"Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.”
-Conan O'Brien
"The airport in Milan, Italy, had to be shut down because it was overrun by rabbits. Animals are out of control. Italian rabbits at the airport. Last week, German squirrels were attacking people. German and Italians working together . . . does this sound familiar?!?"
-Craig Ferguson
"The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas."
-Conan O'Brien
"Mike Nifong, the DA in the Duke Lacrosse case is resigning. He said he is looking forward to making up charges and ruining people’s lives in the private sector now."
-Jay Leno
"It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady."
-Conan O'Brien
"As I’m sure you know by now, a judge has turned down Scooter Libby’s request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having that stupid name, Scooter. Not the name you want to have going into prison."
-Jay Leno
"Now there’s a judge in Oklahoma who’s accused of being naked under the robes while court was in session. Not only that, he was wearing what’s known as a "general enhancement” device. It’s just an accusation. I’m sure it will not stand up in court. "
-Craig Ferguson
"You may have seen this in the paper today. In Santa Cruz County, Ariz., a child molester was sentenced to 6,242 years in prison. He is trying to get transferred to Los Angeles where, with good behavior, he will be out in 23 days. "
-Jay Leno
"Great day for Hillary Clinton. She choose the song for her campaign, a song by Celine Dion. Is it wise choosing a Celine Dion song? She’s a singer best known for doing a song based on a sinking ship. "
-Craig Ferguson
" I hope all the dads had a good Father’s Day weekend. My kids took me out to eat — free samples at Costco’s. My son told me her left my present at his mom’s house, so as I was dropping him off, I told him he could run in and get it. But while I was driving, he just sat there quiet. So I said, "It’s not at the house is it?” And he said, "No, it isn’t.” And I said, "Well, where is it?” And he said, "It’s still at the mall.”
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In honor of Father’s Day, a group of doctors is offering dads free prostate exams. So next year, your dad will be happy when he gets a tie. That tie will be looking pretty good."
-Conan O'Brien